Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
How external is "for external use only"?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
