she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
