i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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