what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize
