I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Randomize
