hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
