My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
