doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
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