There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Everyone says I win the strip club
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
