upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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