I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
