Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
