dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
