I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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