somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
