I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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