Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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