Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
