I need to stop coming to work sober
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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