Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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