yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
