I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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