I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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