So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
