Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
