At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Dick very happy bro
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
