I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
