Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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