Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
