singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
