Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Randomize
