I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
