An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
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Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
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Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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