So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
