I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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