Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
