I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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