when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Never joke about your clitoris.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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