youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
