I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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