i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
