this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
