alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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