i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
