I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
