She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
