went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
