Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I smell like Dick and happiness
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
