its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
cat food counts as protein by the way
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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