Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
