Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
