She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
