i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
