this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
