my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
