I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
