my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
pray to the hookup gods
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
