"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
