My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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