Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
